Co-Parenting with Toxic Ex…Is it possible?

So you’ve made the excruciatingly difficult decision to divorce, ripped the Band-aid off the marriage, have gone through the legal process, and now you have the responsibility to co-parent with your ex.  You are finding it impossible.  Your ex doesn’t communicate on matters big or small, or on basic issues that can be anything from the fact that your child wakes up in the middle of the night, didn’t complete their homework, or planning what each of you will do for your child’s birthday.  Emails or texts are not responded to, or infrequently responded to.

You may notice that your child acts withdrawn, unusually quiet, or shows significant changes in behavior after spending time with the other parent, and you don’t know why because there is little to no communication.  If this sounds familiar you may be in a toxic co-parenting situation.

Depending on the circumstances surrounding your divorce and level of conflict, it may be impossible to truly co-parent, as this requires significant commitment to shared communication and ability to place negative feelings aside.  Often the divorce process brings an exacerbation of negative feelings that does not help parents’ ability to communicate effectively on parenting matters.  If there was extreme conflict in the home prior to the end of the marriage, it is highly-probable that this dynamic will continue, particularly if you are dealing with a highly-manipulative former spouse. Frequently the divorce process and legal issues escalate the conflict, obliterating what may be left of the relationship. Parents are left on their own to muddle through the business of co-parenting without guidance or support. Families most at risk for toxic co-parenting situations are those in which there was verbal abuse in the home; domestic violence; addiction; one or both parties suffer from character issues or personality disorders; parent/s with extreme narcissistic tendencies; families with poor boundaries. Here are several examples of toxic co-parenting:

Toxic Co-parenting Behaviors

1)      Disparaging the other parent or extended family (i.e. grandparents, aunts, cousins) through negative comments, minimizing the other parent’s importance; over-indulgence in an effort to gain favor; Parental alienation.

2)      Willful disregard of child’s needs, or neglect. Denying medical care, treatment and/or medication.

3)      Openly hostile behavior toward ex-spouse in front of the children.

4)      Using the children in an effort to “get even” with the ex-spouse, such as encouraging activities and behaviors in which there is known disagreement.

5)      Unresponsiveness to issues related to parenting such as financial, medical, educational and social issues.

6)      Financial irresponsibility; not paying child support; denying extracurricular activities; withholding money for children’s activities.

7)      Unsafe or inappropriate living situation or lifestyles.

8)      Placing the child in the middle of conflict with the other parent.

9)      Withholding the child’s ability to communicate with the other parent.

As a family-therapist, I often see parents struggling with the same issues post-divorce as they did pre-divorce, but often the relationship has further deteriorated. Ask yourself the following question…If  I was unable to stay married due to my ex’s bullying, negativity, toxic behaviors, manipulation or narcissism…why would co-parenting be any different?  Parents often mistakenly believe that when they are no longer living together there will be no reason for continued conflict. Sadly, this is more often than not the case.

What should you do if you are in a toxic co-parenting situation?

1)      Find a family therapist to work with you and your children. If your ex is willing to see the therapist alone with the children than this may indicate good will toward co-parenting. A skilled therapist will see through parent’s attempts to get them to collude or manipulate the issues.

2)      Keep talking to your children about what they experience.  If your children speak negatively about the other parent, or express hurt, confusion or frustration, take a strong but neutral stance.  Affirmative statements such as “That is extremely hurtful; That sounds very confusing. I can understand how that feels;” or ask questions such as, “Have you told mom/dad how you feel?  Do you need help with this?”  An affirmative neutral stance will validate your child’s experience without engaging in overt criticism of the other parent.

3)      Develop a parallel parenting plan with your ex that limits or almost eliminates your interactions.  Determine whether or not your children are physically/emotionally safe with the other parent.  If they are not in distress and are physically safe, strictly limiting your interactions with your ex-spouse may be warranted. 

4)      If you believe your children are physically safe, but may be the victim of parental alienation, it is important to have your child working with a therapist.  A therapist can help clearly identify poor parental boundaries and is mandated to report all forms of child abuse. Parental alienation is a form of child abuse.

5)      Request that a Parent Coordinator be appointed through the family court. A Parent Coordinator will act as a neutral party to monitor your communication and guide joint legal decisions as they pertain to health and education. It is important to note that there may be significant on-going financial expense associated with Parent Coordination.

6)      If you suspect physical abuse, bring your child to the pediatrician or nearest emergency room for a medical exam and report your concerns. 

7)      Speak to your child’s teachers, coaches and physicians about the fact that your child is going through changes in their home life.  Let them know that you would like it brought to your attention if they see or hear anything that may be concerning, or if they notice changes in your child’s behavior.

As always, use your best judgment in all situations. Recognize that you may need help and clarity in order to deal with emotional triggers when confronted with issues related to parenting with your ex. Your best defense is keeping the dialogue open with your children, regular self-care, modeling appropriate boundaries to your children, and enlisting professional help.

~Leslie Miller, LICSW

@wellfamilycounseling