What is Narcissistic Rage and How Should I Protect Myself?
Are you in a relationship with someone who rages at the slightest provocation? Possibly you have the sense that almost anything can set them off. You might feel that despite your efforts not to irritate or anger them, you inevitably do, leaving you confused and stunned by the level of rage that you may find yourself the target of.
Psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut developed the concept of narcissistic rage in 1972 to describe the phenomenon of the tendency toward misguided and destructive anger exhibited by those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Kohut theorized that the narcissist’s chronic sense emptiness and objectification of others caused them to rage when the idealized object failed to meet their unrealistic demands. In other words narcissists use relationships with others to regulate their mood and self-esteem. Your needs are not recognized because the narcissist can only see their own need for omnipotence.
Shame and disappointment may be triggers for narcissistic rage, causing a narcissist to be highly sensitive to perceived slights or criticisms. When their inflated self-image and grandiosity is not reflected back to them, they may become enraged.
Narcissists have a need for control over you and others. The only way they can maintain superiority and narcissistic supply is through control over others. When you do not comply with their need for attention, gratification, or ego needs, they will rage.
Not being the center of attention, or given the recognition that they seek, may trigger a narcissist’s rage. Narcissists need to be the sole focus of your attention. When they don’t receive it, they may devalue you as this triggers their deep sense of shame and chronic emptiness.
Being questioned or caught in a lie will trigger a narcissist’s rage. Have you ever noticed that will rage or give you the silent treatment when you question them about their behavior, words or actions? They may even try to turn the tables when questioned or caught in a lie and insist that it is you who has misunderstood or are “making things up.” Being questioned or caught in a lie will cause a narcissist to engage in the primary defense of projection, in which they will blame others for their misdeeds and shortcomings.
How Do I Protect Myself?
1) Understand that you are not the reason for their rage.
2) Understand that you cannot control their angry outbursts or silent treatment. No matter what you do they will inevitably rage at you again.
3) Talking through your feelings will be ineffective. A narcissist will often deny, attack, reverse the situation and play the victim. Even if they apologize, the apology will lack depth and understanding of your true needs as they don’t see you as a separate person.
4) Do not try to reason or explain yourself when they are enraged. This will only encourage further verbal abuse.
5) Leave the situation or environment if they are raging uncontrollably. If they engage in verbal attacks, humiliation, or threats toward you, children, family pets, or others, you need to leave environment immediately.
6) Enlist the help of a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse so that you can begin to identify your own needs in primary relationships.
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